maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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