My hand turned me down
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If I die, sorry about rent.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
