You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
