just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
