a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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