I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
