Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize