Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
