i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
