Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
