i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Please don't give away my fajitas
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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