Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
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I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
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Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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