so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
