Kiss
Puke
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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