She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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