maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
