the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
