Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought