I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
