I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
