make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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