I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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