My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
