threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
