I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
