i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
