sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
