How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
