I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Randomize
