I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
