So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
