Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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