remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
