Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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