Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
