I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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