i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
