If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If its not for food we ain't going out.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
