I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
