Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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