There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
