Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
