My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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