I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Actions speak louder than pants.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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