I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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