it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
