Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
