Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
