Ketchup is God's man juice
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
