You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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