Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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