mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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