then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So many bounce houses so little time
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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