If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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