I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
