Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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