so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
